19-07-2014, 12:45 PM
(14-07-2014, 04:22 PM)'neo1992' نوشته:'neo1992' pid='62821' dateline='1405338741'
نقل قول:دوستان خواهش میکنم این رایتینگ و تصحیح کنید و بگید وضع رایتینگم چقدر خرابه من شش ماه دیگه باید امتحان بدم و چون واحد دارم همزمان با درس دانشگاه برای تافل باید بخونم حتما بالای 95 باید بگیرم و خیلی ناامیدم ... راهنمایی کنید لطفا
چون تو 30 دقیقه نوشتم دیگه فرصت تصحیح نداشتم و first draft هست
موضوع : Nowdays food has become easier to prepare has this improved the way people live?This is life in 21th century, A very fast pace rhythm of commuting between work places and homes , A world filled with ambitious workholics who only care about doing the job done in the shortest amount oftime possible. People who 50 percent of their daily time is alloted to work and only work . This why the only qualities of food they understand are two terms "taste" and "preparation time" .These Hardworking people who aspire to achieve the best don't feel the neccessity of fancy and huge portions of steaks with an amount of caviar , These things seem extravagant and not harmonious withtheir fast pace life . People nowdays are mostly familiar with daily usage of quickly prepared foods such as hamburgers , pizzas or chicken wings . They enjoy the easily routine they have to go through to get a delicious meal deliveredto their house , a phone call and probably paying an amount of money between 10 to 30 dollars . This is the era of fast foods . For people who work approximately 12 hours a day not to forced to go to shops and groccerystores to buy the essential ingriedients , and spending at least half to one hour to prepare their dinner is a blessing from the modern human lifestyle . In a sense , it can be said such phenomenon contributed alot toto improve the speed of humans lives . These fast foods eliminated the need of tedious cooking routine to prepare three portions of meals every single day . Today in united states many of newyorkers who don't have enough time for such things prefer to have brunch at local place instead of a fancy breakfast at their own house . The whole phenomenon of fast food and various types of restaurants and brunch places has a great rolein evoloution of cave men to wallstreet guys . But it not only good that comes out of these unbelievable blessing of modern lifestyle . Widespread obessity and high blood pressure are few of many health problems caused by excessive usage of unhealthy fast foods, notto mention cancer that in some cases is related to long time usage of such products . It is clear that we cannot abandon our favorite restaurants such as MacDonalds and Burgerking , they are essential parts of our lives .In the other side we have worried doctors who dont approve of such madness and indicate that this a good recipie for suicide . Now we face a serious question , which one is the right path ? In conclusion , we can say "yes" , quickly prepared food contributed a lot to improvement of our lifstyle , but because of health issues their usage should be meticulously monitored and brought under control.A balance between terms is needed to maintain both "health" and "speed of daily life" of modern man .
Topic Question: Nowdays food has become easier to prepare. Has this improved the way people live?
This is life in 21st century, a very fast paced rhythm of commuting between work places and homes, A world filled with ambitious workaholics who only care about doing the job done in the shortest amount of time possible. People who 50 percent of their daily time is alloted to work and only work . <-What? This sentence doesn’t make sense. Are you saying that some people spend 50% of their day only working? This why the only qualities of food they understand are terms "taste" and "preparation time."
These hardworking people who aspire to achieve the best don't feel the necessity of fancy and huge portions of steaks with an amount of caviar. These things seem extravagant and not harmonious with their fast paced lives . People nowadays are mostly familiar with daily usage of quickly prepared foods such as hamburgers , pizzas or chicken wings. They enjoy the easy routine of placing a phone call and having a meal delivered to their home, for anywhere between ten and thirty dollars (This is how I would write it. But it is only a recommendation, there are so many ways.) This is the era of fast foods. For people who work approximately 12 hours a day not to forced to go to shops and grocery stores to buy the essential ingredients , and spending at least half to one hour to prepare their dinner is a blessing from the modern human lifestyle. <- This sentence has a good and important point, but is worded very badly. Maybe you can write: The fact that people who work approximately 12 hours a day aren’t forced to spend hours buying and preparing food each day is a blessing of the modern human lifestyle. In a sense , it can be said that such phenomenon has contributed a lot to improve the speed of humans lives . These fast foods have eliminated the need of a tedious cooking routine to prepare three portions of meals every single day. Today in united states many New Yorkers who don't have enough time for such things prefer to have brunch at a local place instead of a fancy breakfast at their own house . The whole phenomenon of fast food and various types of restaurants and brunch places has played a great role in our evolution from cave men to businessmen.
But it is not only good that comes out of these unbelievable blessings of modern lifestyle. Widespread obesity and high blood pressure are just a few of many health problems caused by excessive usage of unhealthy fast foods, not to mention that in some cases cancer is related to long time usage of such products. It is clear that we can not abandon our favorite restaurants such as McDonalds and Burger King, as they are essential parts of our lives. On the other side we have worried doctors who don’t approve of such madness and indicate that this is a good recipe for suicide. Now we face a serious question, which one is the right path ?
In conclusion , we can say "yes". Quickly prepared food has contributed a lot to the
improvement of our lifestyle, but because of health issues their usage should be meticulously
monitored and brought under control. A balance between terms is needed to maintain both
the "health" and "speed of daily life" of modern man . <- No quotations needed here. Nice closing sentence.
This is life in 21st century, a very fast paced rhythm of commuting between work places and homes, A world filled with ambitious workaholics who only care about doing the job done in the shortest amount of time possible. People who 50 percent of their daily time is alloted to work and only work . <-What? This sentence doesn’t make sense. Are you saying that some people spend 50% of their day only working? This why the only qualities of food they understand are terms "taste" and "preparation time."
These hardworking people who aspire to achieve the best don't feel the necessity of fancy and huge portions of steaks with an amount of caviar. These things seem extravagant and not harmonious with their fast paced lives . People nowadays are mostly familiar with daily usage of quickly prepared foods such as hamburgers , pizzas or chicken wings. They enjoy the easy routine of placing a phone call and having a meal delivered to their home, for anywhere between ten and thirty dollars (This is how I would write it. But it is only a recommendation, there are so many ways.) This is the era of fast foods. For people who work approximately 12 hours a day not to forced to go to shops and grocery stores to buy the essential ingredients , and spending at least half to one hour to prepare their dinner is a blessing from the modern human lifestyle. <- This sentence has a good and important point, but is worded very badly. Maybe you can write: The fact that people who work approximately 12 hours a day aren’t forced to spend hours buying and preparing food each day is a blessing of the modern human lifestyle. In a sense , it can be said that such phenomenon has contributed a lot to improve the speed of humans lives . These fast foods have eliminated the need of a tedious cooking routine to prepare three portions of meals every single day. Today in united states many New Yorkers who don't have enough time for such things prefer to have brunch at a local place instead of a fancy breakfast at their own house . The whole phenomenon of fast food and various types of restaurants and brunch places has played a great role in our evolution from cave men to businessmen.
But it is not only good that comes out of these unbelievable blessings of modern lifestyle. Widespread obesity and high blood pressure are just a few of many health problems caused by excessive usage of unhealthy fast foods, not to mention that in some cases cancer is related to long time usage of such products. It is clear that we can not abandon our favorite restaurants such as McDonalds and Burger King, as they are essential parts of our lives. On the other side we have worried doctors who don’t approve of such madness and indicate that this is a good recipe for suicide. Now we face a serious question, which one is the right path ?
In conclusion , we can say "yes". Quickly prepared food has contributed a lot to the
improvement of our lifestyle, but because of health issues their usage should be meticulously
monitored and brought under control. A balance between terms is needed to maintain both
the "health" and "speed of daily life" of modern man . <- No quotations needed here. Nice closing sentence.
1. Every essay needs PARAGRAPHS to help organize your ideas and also not make it look like a chore to read. I tried to add them, but it works much better if you make them as you write the essay. For example, you can dedicate the first paragraph to capturing the reader’s attention and stating your stance on the issue (I’m still not sure what your stance on the issue is after reading this essay, actually), the second for an argument for something, the third paragraph against the topic being discussed, and the fourth perhaps stating your conclusion and ending the essay with something to think about.
2. The period goes directly after the last word of a sentence. There is no space between the last letter and the period. Same goes for the comma.
3- I made a lot of grammatical and spelling corrections, but don’t lose hope. You actually had some really good points and some things that make a very good essay. PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE!!!
(Revised by JM)
2. The period goes directly after the last word of a sentence. There is no space between the last letter and the period. Same goes for the comma.
3- I made a lot of grammatical and spelling corrections, but don’t lose hope. You actually had some really good points and some things that make a very good essay. PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE!!!
(Revised by JM)
