نمونه Writing های تافل iBT خود را در این تاپیک قرار دهید.

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سلام ؛ممنون میشم ازتون منو در تصحیح رایتینگ زیر کمک کنید 

 In order to become financially responsible adults children should learn to manage their own money at a young age.
agree/disagree 
We live in a world in which people allocate  dedicate most of their time  to for working in order to afford family expenses. Some
people may hold the opinion that they should pay attention to all  of their childrens wishes of children,. As a result, therefore they buy for them diverse toys .and when they these children grow up their demands  also grow as theyir ages, and parents may face a lot rigors (of pressure). Other people are of the view believe that they should control the desire of children because they can be responsible parents in future. their childrens’desires to bring up responsible adults in future.
As far as I am concerned with learning the concept of saving money, not only do children have the ability to be more phlegmatic, but also they can be more vigilant in
predicaments.
     The first aspect which should be mentioned is that children can be more tranquil when they become mature. They can manage their problems in their personal life when they face facing a dilemma.to shed some lights on the point consider a situation in which a person is graduated from university and he goes is invited to a lot of job interviews ,but, he cannot find his niche. handling the expenses in an unemployedment stateus is an important factor , and some pieces of advice from parents which are stuck in children’s mind guide them to deal with difficult situation, remembering parts of their parents  advice can help the now grown up children, and guide them in dealing with such difficult situations. moreover ,they can have  a better marriage in their personal life because they have  learned how to manage the expenses in a house in an efficient method.
     Another point which deserves some words  attention here is that they have the ability to perceive their parents’ rigors when they are in hazardous situations. For illustration, parents may pass away during a teenagers life, and due to this difficulty, they have to save their money and also sometimes they may get a part-time job in order to afford expenses .if the children do not understand the gist of saving money, they will get perplexed, and they do not have strong ideas to withstand. In addition, the family may occasionally  encounter some financial problems or some pay checks and, parents expect sympathy from children to handle the unpleasant situation. Children enable either decline their desires  request or spend less money in comparison with old days before.
In the final analysis, children should enable be able to manage their expenses in order to be a peaceful person and be more
careful about with the family’s problems.it is high time we stopped spoiling children.it is worthwhile to have independent children for being to create successful parents in future.

 

يكسري تغييرات انجام دادم (اضافه، حذف، نامفهوم،جابجا)، به نظرم تا كاملا از كاربرد كلمات اطمينان نداريد استفاده نكنيد. جملات اگر ساده باشند و مفهوم رو برسونن بهتر هست.