In some countries it's common that teenagers get jobs before
they graduate.
But usually these jobs are not related
to their majors. They are also commonplace
(instruction: usually an event would be commonplace not
an object) and unimportant usually.
It is a general guideline for parents to keep protecting
their children until they turn eighteen. In fact, after finishing school it is
the appropriate time to make some money. But, as mentioned, it has been seen in
some countries that teenagers have to provide themself by finding a job. Regardless
to who this work relaters to the circumstances of a child, an under aged teenager
usually finds it hard to protect him/herself by doing the labor which is
usually beneath her/him.
Although, these teenagers are obliged to spend most of their time on working instead of studying, I think it
would be beneficial if the jobs were in the field of their majors. Having a job
which is in the realm (*instruction:
realm usually is applied for boundaries of a place, and not an object) of
the major of a teenager has many advantages. If a teenager has to find a job
without any specialties/expertise, it is much more rational /worthy for him/her
to do the interests.
First of all, students can provide their study costs this way.
Some students who are from a middleclass family can
earn money and save it for their study. Furthermore, they
would learn how to be independent and how to manage
their life costs. We? They also can hopefully be
responsible adults in the future. Plus, these adolescents usually try to avoid
wrongdoings and other morally bad behaviors due
to retaining their jobs and their possessions. Having
a job can bring some good results to a teenager’s life as well, such as being
responsible about the actions they take and the respective consequences they
are going to face in the real life. Also children who work under rational guidelines
will earn the capabilities about taking care of their own profits from early
ages in life.
Second, it would be a proper
opportunity for adolescents to get familiar with the work world( working
atmosphere) and learning effective methods to prosper
in it? (to get prosperous in a long run). They could (can) get (learn) practical lessons and
details from their bosses /colleagues. Especially if their work be (is) related to their majors, they can get (become) experienced before they found (start) their own business. Consequently, there would be less lost likelihood
for this group.? ( what’re y tryin’ to say?!!!)
In my view, teenagers need to
have the experience of being employed before they graduate and enter the work
world seriously. I think it would be useful because they could (can)
( instructions: when you are writing an essay, you’d better be sure about
your ideas, so it is better to use “can” instead of “could”. “Could” points
about some uncertainty) get familiar with the work world and recognize the
wrongs which are causing lost (deficiencies/
out profits) in the business world. So they are able to avoid them and take the
way of success .In addition it would be a suitable challenge for them to
estimate their independence in order to manage their costs and lives.
P.S: This essay is better than the last one. Congrats! You
made some progress. Please be careful about the punctuation and misspells
you are used to putting in your essays. Also, you need to manage some time
to revise your own writing after you are done with the draft .Do not leave
your desk like this in your exam day. Hope paraphrasing helps, Good Luck.
they graduate.
But usually these jobs are not related
to their majors. They are also commonplace
(instruction: usually an event would be commonplace not
an object) and unimportant usually.
It is a general guideline for parents to keep protecting
their children until they turn eighteen. In fact, after finishing school it is
the appropriate time to make some money. But, as mentioned, it has been seen in
some countries that teenagers have to provide themself by finding a job. Regardless
to who this work relaters to the circumstances of a child, an under aged teenager
usually finds it hard to protect him/herself by doing the labor which is
usually beneath her/him.
Although, these teenagers are obliged to spend most of their time on working instead of studying, I think it
would be beneficial if the jobs were in the field of their majors. Having a job
which is in the realm (*instruction:
realm usually is applied for boundaries of a place, and not an object) of
the major of a teenager has many advantages. If a teenager has to find a job
without any specialties/expertise, it is much more rational /worthy for him/her
to do the interests.
First of all, students can provide their study costs this way.
Some students who are from a middleclass family can
earn money and save it for their study. Furthermore, they
would learn how to be independent and how to manage
their life costs. We? They also can hopefully be
responsible adults in the future. Plus, these adolescents usually try to avoid
wrongdoings and other morally bad behaviors due
to retaining their jobs and their possessions. Having
a job can bring some good results to a teenager’s life as well, such as being
responsible about the actions they take and the respective consequences they
are going to face in the real life. Also children who work under rational guidelines
will earn the capabilities about taking care of their own profits from early
ages in life.
Second, it would be a proper
opportunity for adolescents to get familiar with the work world( working
atmosphere) and learning effective methods to prosper
in it? (to get prosperous in a long run). They could (can) get (learn) practical lessons and
details from their bosses /colleagues. Especially if their work be (is) related to their majors, they can get (become) experienced before they found (start) their own business. Consequently, there would be less lost likelihood
for this group.? ( what’re y tryin’ to say?!!!)
In my view, teenagers need to
have the experience of being employed before they graduate and enter the work
world seriously. I think it would be useful because they could (can)
( instructions: when you are writing an essay, you’d better be sure about
your ideas, so it is better to use “can” instead of “could”. “Could” points
about some uncertainty) get familiar with the work world and recognize the
wrongs which are causing lost (deficiencies/
out profits) in the business world. So they are able to avoid them and take the
way of success .In addition it would be a suitable challenge for them to
estimate their independence in order to manage their costs and lives.
P.S: This essay is better than the last one. Congrats! You
made some progress. Please be careful about the punctuation and misspells
you are used to putting in your essays. Also, you need to manage some time
to revise your own writing after you are done with the draft .Do not leave
your desk like this in your exam day. Hope paraphrasing helps, Good Luck.
